It’s been a little while, folks. But as October is drawing to a close, the clocks have gone back and winter is most definitely coming, it feels fitting to cosy up in bed with my laptop and write. What am I writing about, you ask? Well…I’m not entirely sure.
There’s one big, frustrating reason as to why I haven’t posted in almost two months. Quite simply, I’ve got the dreaded “blogger’s block”. I yearn for something meaningful to say, for the desire to write anything of substance. I have found myself turning to poetry and fiction more often than The Life of Lilly, which in some ways is a great thing. But I miss this. I miss spilling my heart onto the (very pixelated) page and telling everyone, as always, that I’m just trying to be the most honest person I can be. (While we’re at it with the honesty, I’m actually rewarding myself with a chocolate button for every 100 words I write. I’ve eaten two already and if you’re really that bothered about knowing, I’ve only written 180 words). So what can I be painfully (possibly even detrimentally) honest about today?
I’m still not really sure. I’m happy though. I’m so happy. And that’s something I love to talk about at the moment, with anyone who will listen. I think that people have a ‘level’ – a standard default emotion, if you like. For the longest time, my level was low. This didn’t mean I wasn’t ever happy, just that my standard level of emotion wasn’t the sense of fulfilment and contentedness that I find myself feeling now. What I’m trying to say is that my level has risen, I guess. And I’ve been trying to work out why this happened, too. (Side note: I definitely attribute a great deal of the ‘low level’ to the contraceptive pill. I know it doesn’t have that result for everyone but it did for me and I only wish I had stopped taking it sooner!)
When I turned 23 this year, I had a mini epiphany. I woke up on the morning after my birthday and I realised that nothing in my life was going down the path I wanted it to. I told myself it was time to get my ducks in a row. And that’s what I did. It was, admittedly, a little messier than I thought it would be, but here I am! And if you’re wondering if there’s a magic formula to raising that level of yours, I’m probably going to disappoint you…unless you want to do what I did and change just about everything in your life. (Though I’ll just say, it’s worked out fine for me in the end. A little (lot) of change never hurt anybody, right?)
If you read my last post, you’ll remember that I wrote the words: “I have no idea what’s going to happen next, but isn’t that incredibly exciting?”
And let me tell you, “what happened next” has so far been a whirlwind of some of the best moments of my life. I find myself asking, who knew it could be this simple? This easy? The cliche of it all is that being open to those experiences is all it takes. Yes, I’m sure it won’t always feel simple and easy. I’m sure it’s going to get hard again, because that is the way life works sometimes. But I’m also sure that every single painful experience I’ve been through this year, last year, every year of my life to date, is entirely worth it for the sense of true freedom, lightness and deep happiness that encompasses my mind today. I’m totally aware of how preachy and crazy it sounds. I’m totally aware of the truth in the words too.
So what’s my point? Do I even have a point? I guess I’m saying, keep going. I guess I’m just sharing that I’m really happy and it should serve as a light at the end of the tunnel for anyone going through a rough patch. Embrace the unexpected and don’t let your fears stop you from the experiences that will define you and your future. This isn’t an ‘I did it so you don’t have to’ kind of message. It’s a ‘do the thing now’ kind of message. The only way you can make a positive change is by taking the first step.